There is an Appointed Time for Everything

October 15th is infant loss awareness day, so what better day than today to share this story.

When the time came for Husbandy and I to start thinking about having more kids, it was really tough for me. Theoretically I wanted more kids, but I also couldn’t imagine having to split my time with Reese. I love her so so much and didn’t want to give up any time with her, nor could I imagine loving another child as much as I love her. Of course I’ve heard you’re your heart just grows and you love even more than you knew you could, but I had a hard time with it. I prayed that the Lord would open my heart and He did it through my siblings. My brother and sister are two of my biggest blessings and I cannot imagine life without them. My life would be 100% different if my parents didn’t say a selfless yes to God, and I want that for Reese. And so, my hardened heart was opened.

Husbandy and I started to really try for another baby in May. Trying to get pregnant is fun, but it’s also hard and stressful. When you’re waiting to figure out if you’re pregnant, days feel like months and months feel like years. I was so encouraged by this website and its prayers for pregnancy. I began to pray the Trying to Conceive prayer every day. It’s a perfect reminder of who our God is. On month number four, I could tell that something was different. Mostly, I all of a sudden wanted to go to bed very early and my basal body temperature spiked. I got really really excited, but made myself wait to take a pregnancy test until what I thought would be the day I would start another cycle. When the day came, I realized the only pregnancy test I had was expired, but I used it anyway. Positive!! Yes, yes yes! But wait, do expired pregnancy tests work? What would be more likely, a false positive, or a false negative? I didn’t really know, so I decided to keep the news to myself, buy more tests that day, and see what a second test said. 

Positive! I was two for two and ready to tell Husbandy. I took Reese in her room to change, handed her the pregnancy tests, and told her to give them to daddy. It was such a happy morning. That was Thursday. 

There are so many emotions with getting pregnant. Relief, joy, excitement, happiness, and fear. 40 weeks. 40 weeks I have to wait to meet my baby and 40 weeks I have to worry about his/her development. I wrestled with calling my OB because I knew he most likely wouldn’t want to see me until I was further along, but ended up doing it and made an appointment that wasn’t for another 2.5 weeks. Again, another waiting game and it felt like it was forever away. We spent a lot of time that weekend with my family and I so badly wanted to say something, but decided confirming I was pregnant with a doctor made more sense first. So I kept my mouth shut.

Unfortunately, on Monday our story took a sad turn.

Just after lunch on Monday, August 31st, when I went to the bathroom, I saw my first sign of blood and froze. I tried to tell myself that bleeding could occur during pregnancy, but of course the bad thoughts outweighed any sort of good. I immediately called the doctor and was told by a nurse that there wasn’t much they could do because I was so early. I knew in the back of my mind she was going to say that, but I wanted answers. I then called Husbandy. That morning my temperature had taken a dip, which I had already told him about, so I felt like I was delivering a second drop of bad news for the day. After discussing it with him, I also decided I needed prayer warriors. Telling your sister and mom that you’re pregnant and that you might be losing the baby all at the same time is not ideal and certainly not how I had planned to share the news. It was hard, but I needed prayer. As the day went on, the little hints of blood turned into more and more and my fears grew. I cried a lot Monday night. A lot. 

Tuesday morning rolled around and I could barely open my eyes. They were too puffy from the tears, so I emailed work and told them I wouldn’t be coming in. I also called the Dr again and (thankfully) got a different nurse who told me they would squeeze me in. Husbandy met me there and away we went in to the sonogram room. The last time I was in there, I got to see my precious Reese. Heart beating, little legs kicking, a big smiling face; so it was really weird for me knowing I was there and most likely not going to see anything. Having seeing Reese for the first time at 5 weeks and 6 days, I knew what I was looking for and didn’t see anything. In such a hard situation I did find comfort in the Christian music playing in the background. How awesome is that? A song playing in the sono room reminding me of God’s grace, mercy, and love. I’m so thankful for a Christ loving OB. After the sono was over the tech typed up some notes and sent Husbandy and on to wait for Dr B. One note that stuck out was “no gestational sac at this time.” It was what I expected and what I saw, but I still had hope that the sono tech saw something different.

I was pretty much ready to hear that I had miscarried, but that wasn’t what my OB had to say. He was certain I was earlier in the pregnancy than what I was saying and didn’t think the sono would have shown anything either way. He also told Husbandy and I that 1/3 of normal pregnancies bleed and the pregnancy test I took there came back positive. Instead of ruling anything a miscarriage, he gave us a 50/50 shot and told us to come back in a week. 

The rest of the week I struggled between still having hope and not feeling pregnant. I don’t mean I wasn’t experiencing morning sickness, so I didn’t feel pregnant. I mean I just felt empty, a completely different feeling from the one I had in the days prior. I knew deep down I wasn’t pregnant anymore, but I wanted so badly to be wrong. It was also easy for me to think I was never even pregnant. I never saw a heartbeat and my bleeding was much like a typical period. But then I reminded myself life begins at conception and I had three positive pregnancy tests, so I know there was life inside of me. It’s hard when you’re reminded of pain and suffering at each bathroom visit. The hardest thing for me to reconcile though was that I never knew when the actual miscarriage happened. Every time I went to the bathroom I said a prayer.

As the week went by I felt peace. There were times I thought I was ok but would then just start crying and I’m sure that’s how it will be for a while. When our second Dr’s appointment rolled around I had been bleeding for a week and knew everything the sonogram would show, and the sono tech confirmed my beliefs. I didn’t really know what to expect from my OB. He’s definitely a quirky guy and I couldn’t imagine him in a sad situation. But, he surprised me and gave me comfort in knowing I didn’t do anything wrong, but this just happens sometimes. We talked about our plan going forward which included weekly blood tests to make sure my body returned to normal and lots of waiting. Thankfully, my blood counts were normal with the first blood test I took.

Eventually the day came around that should have been my first prenatal visit, but instead I wasn’t going to see the doctor at all. It was definitely a weird feeling. I wrote an email to my family asking for prayers and the responses I got were so encouraging. They reminded me that our sweet baby is in the company of angels and raising her own little voice in praise. That our child who was conceived in love has returned to be with Love itself and that she will be interceding for her Mommy and Daddy and sister before the throne of God. WOW! That day was also the feast day of Our Lady of Sorrows. I don’t find it ironic at all; I see it as God’s perfect timing and His love for His children. I know Mary was also interceding for me on her feast day.

I am so thankful for family and friends. I know the peace I’ve felt about this situation would not have been possible without the power of prayer. I’m so thankful that two friends, who thought we were going to have a nice girl’s dinner, listened when it quickly turned into me bursting into tears. I’m thankful they chose to listen, to pray, and to check in on me on the days that followed. I’m thankful for blogs that I read with a whole new perspective now, especially those that remind me “His worthiness is not dependent upon the outcome of our prayer.” He is good and His goodness endures forever.”

I am also so thankful for my place of work. As I mentioned, I missed one day of work and my manager was so supportive. On Wednesday (the day after I came back) he brought me into his office and said the nicest things to me. He reassured me that I had a support system there and if I needed more time to feel free to take it. He didn’t even know what I was going through, but he had the insight to say these things to me. I wavered between telling him later what was going on. He’s a single guy and I was sure he wouldn’t want to know about this kind of thing. After some prayers, however, I decided it was best to let him know, and again his words were so great and so kind. I also have friends at work who I know are praying for Husbandy and I.

Lastly, I’m thankful for Husbandy and Reese. Even though we were going through a hard time they brought smiles and laughs every day. I’ve definitely been reminded of how much Reese is my little angel and give her hugs and kisses as much as I can. 

Husbandy and I know that one day we will be able to meet our baby in Heaven. When that day comes, I want to be able to call her by name. When we found out we were pregnant, I had just finished a novena to St Monica, and because of that we have decided to name our baby Monica.

I’ve already began to wonder what it will be like when Husbandy and I start trying again and how I’m going to handle it when I see a positive pregnancy test? I know there will be lots of joy, but also fear. I just read another blog about having faith over fear, so I hope when the time comes, I will remember those words.

Even though I didn’t get to see your heartbeat, or precious profile, I know I’ll meet you one day and know who you are, because that’s a mother’s love.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-15

There is an appointed time for everything,

and a time for every affair under the heavens.

A time to give birth, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant.

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to tear down, and a time to build.

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance.

A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them;

a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces.

A time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away.

A time to rend, and a time to sew;

a time to be silent, and a time to speak.

A time to love, and a time to hate;

a time of war, and a time of peace.

What profit have workers from their toil?

I have seen the business that God has given to mortals to be busied about.

God has made everything appropriate to its time, but has put the timeless into their hearts so they cannot find out, from beginning to end, the work which God has done.

I recognized that there is nothing better than to rejoice and to do well during life.

Moreover, that all can eat and drink and enjoy the good of all their toil—this is a gift of God.

I recognized that whatever God does will endure forever; there is no adding to it, or taking from it. Thus has God done that he may be revered.

What is, has already been; what is to be, already is: God retrieves what has gone by.

A Year in Photos: Week 20

Day 137

Sunday morning we woke up and got ready for 11:00 Mass. When we got there, we quickly found out the website was wrong and we were walking into the end of the 10:00 Mass. :-/  At least we all looked really good! So, we went with plan B and went across the street to a Sea life Nature Center. Here's Reese telling me all about the fish.

They also had a large turtle roaming around freely. The kiddos weren't too excited about it.

After some lunch, we put the kids down for a nap. Husbandy and I took this time to go on some big kid slides (don't worry, Nancy volunteered to stay up stairs with the littles). Once everyone was awake, we all swam some more until the park closed. We did have one "small" incident, Nancy ended up breaking her toe and had to go to the hospital in Brownsville. She's such a trooper though, cause she came back with pain meds and a wrapped foot and held out the rest of the trip. If it were me, I think I would have packed up and gone home! 

My loves at dinner. Someone looks a little worn out.

Day 138

Monday morning we were at the park the minute it opened. We knew we had to get our swim on early because after naps we were going on a dolphin watch! Here's Reese and Mini B watching Frozen in between activities.

I don't have any pictures of the dolphin cruise, but we did see a lot of dolphins. We even saw some playing in the waves and jump out of the water. Every time one would come up then go back under Reese would say "Uh-oh. Where dolphin go?" It was fun, but by the end the littles were ready to get off the boat. 

I do have to give a shout out to the place we ate dinner, Sea Ranch Restaurant Bar. Our dolphin tour started at six and the restaurant didn't start serving dinner until five. With 8 adults and 4 kids, that's a really quick turn around!! They did a great job of getting us in and out and our waiter, Eddie was so great with the kids. I'm sad we had to be rushed, because it was probably my favorite meal!

Day 139 

Happy birthday, Bryan!

With only one day left, we knew we wanted to spend the entire day at Schlitterbahn. We started out the day on the horses. I know Bryan got some better pictures of the kiddos, so I'll have to get some more from him.

The rest of the day we planted ourselves on this frog. Sorry to any other kid who thought they were going to play on it. I'm sad I didn't get a picture of Brooklyn, but she was there too. All the kids loved this frog. Actually, every morning Reese would wake up and say "frog, frog, frog??" If I had counted how many times Reese went down, got out of the pool, climbed up the stairs, and went down again, I think I would have gotten to at least 500. She is the slide queen!

We did eventually convince the kids to move to the inside water park that had a fun pirate ship with lots of slides to play on. Reese did the same thing there too. After the park closed, we took the kids to the beach where they played in the water and covered grandpa with sand. I'm waiting to get those pictures as well.

A few random thoughts: Hotel living: I don't love it. Reese still cries when we put her to bed and in a room she's not familiar with, it's more of a scream. I know she will not go to sleep if she sees me, so I just had to go around the corner or leave the room until she was done. I know everyone around us loved that. I also think we've ruined Reese's nap schedule. Wednesday she flat out didn't get one. As I'm typing this, she's been in her room for over 1.5 hrs and has yet to fall asleep. I'm sure getting back on track next week is going to be lots of fun. :-) Thanks to Dad and Cindy for taking us on this trip. I know the cousins had lots of fun together! Reese is still asking to playing with all of them during the day.

Day 140

Wednesday we woke up to catch our flight out of Brownsville. It was kind of hectic with four kids, lots of luggage, and one adult with a broken toe. But, we made it! I love how in these situations you know you're not responsible for just your things, you're responsible for everyone's things, kids especially. I think J-Fry said it best one day when we were trying to get kids dressed and every one was crying about something..."This is a little stressful, but you know, it's nice." Traveling with kids brings a new definition to the word "vacation," but I wouldn't change it.

Anyway, back to Wednesday...when we got home Reese figured her 10 minute car ride nap was all she needed and that tending to her babies was more important.

Day 141

Reese was supposed to go back to school on Thursday and mom was going to have the rest of the week to clean, do laundry, and get things ready for birthday parties coming up in June. Instead, Reese stayed home with a fever, cough, and pink eye! Wednesday night was actually the first time every Reese slept in mommy and daddy's bed, so we could keep an ear on her breathing. It wasn't so bad, but she did definitely sleep horizontally between us.  Here's a shot of her after she finally finally finally fell asleep for her nap Thursday afternoon.

Day 142

Reese woke up in a terrible mood Friday morning. The first hour was just crying about anything she could. The rest of the day was more whining with a few glimpses of smiles. Thank God for those smiles...or else I would have gone crazy. Here's one of the sweet moments when Reese was reading The Cat in the Hat to me.

Day 143

Reese had another incredibly moody day on Saturday. All seemed to be going fine before swim class, but as soon as we got in the car to head home...it was all over. We went to the "calm down room" when we got home and she ended up falling asleep on me for maybe 20 minutes? I'm not really sure how long it was because I wasn't anticipating a nap. Did this change her mood? No. I'm not sure if she's teething, still trying to catch up on sleep from vacation, going through growing pains, just not feeling well because of the cough, or what, but I hope it passes quickly! After putting her to bed I told Husbandy I had a brilliant idea which included someone going to Sweet Firefly. That's exactly what happened and boy did it hit the spot.

A Year in Photos: Week 19

Day 130

Happy Mother's Day to me! Sunday morning we went to church and took a couple sweet pictures of me and my favorite little. I don't know what I did to deserve to be Reese's mommy, but I thank our Lord everyday.

She truly is my little angel.

Day 131

The slide is still one of Reese's favorite toys. It takes up a lot of room, but it's worth it.

Day 132

Reese loooves her daddy and loves to read, so this is obviously one of her favorite spots.

Day 133

Aidan came over to play with us one night. This is a terrible picture of the cousins looking for the ball that rolled under the couch. Who's going to spot it first?!

Day 134

More slide time. I'm sure she's watching her favorite sport, basketball (which could mean she's watching basketball, baseball, hockey, football, or soccer).

Day 135 

I was at an O&G conference all day Thursday and Friday. Luckily it was being held right across the street from Merit's office, because on Friday they catered Babe's! Most of us opted out of the conference lunch and walked over to the office for this deliciousness. 

Day 136 

Saturday we were up bright and early for an 8:50 flight. Reese immediately fell in love with Aidan's monkey bag which didn't work out very well. Next time we travel together, we'll be sure to have something for Reese to carry!

Our trip started out with a two hour flight delay! The ironic part about this is our flight was originally scheduled for a later time, but was then bumped up a few weeks ago. Thankfully the kids all did really well since they had each other to play with and all of terminal B to roam around in.

We landed in Brownsville around 12:30, got some Whataburger, and headed to South Padre. Not 15 minutes into our drive all the parents texted each other to say their respective children had fallen asleep, so we drove up and down Padre until they all woke up. Once we all got checked in we took the kids down to the pool to play. They loved it!! After swimming, we walked to the other side of the park (which was decently far) for dinner.

Here's the clan walking back after our tummies were full. :-)

A Year in Photos: Week 51

Day 348

 

I was cleaning out our diaper bag and found Reese's newborn hat and the sock she came home in the hospital in. OMG talk about tugging at my heart. They are so small!

 

Day 349 

 

Just playing with this sweet girl. I can't get enough of her. She is my little angel.

 

Day 350 

 

GND did a favorite things party! I came home with home grown eggs, biscuits and sausage, a picture, two eyeliners, and lip gloss. I made out pretty good!

 

Day 351 

 

Reese saw this bear in the store and started puckering her lips and making her kiss noise (kind of a grunt). She would not stop until this happened. It was real cute.

 

Day 352 

 

Seriously. This cabinet is so. fun.

 

Day 353 

 

Christmas #1 with my dad.

 

 

This was probably Reese's favorite activity of the night. She kept going round and round. I didn't think to get a video until the fun was dying down.

 

Day 354 

 

Christmas #2 was a pajama party! These people are my favorite. I love them so much.

 

 

This is what Reese does when we ask if she can smile. I LOVE it and I'm so glad Aunt Becca got a picture of it. :-)

 

 

Husbandy of course sleeps in his batman pjs all the time. And even if that's not true, the purchase was definitely worth it for these Batman/Super Anna pictures! 

 

Even though it was past her bedtime, we got home and Reese just had to sweep the kitchen with her new broom. I can't blame her, it was a mess with all the baking Husbandy and I did earlier!

 



A Year in Photos: Week 18

Day 117 

 

Celebrating my dad's birthday at his house! Brooklyn is just showing Reese how to put the rings on in the correct order.

Day 118

 

Reese and I spent the night at the Fry's as the guys had guys night. Apparently the Fry's just have one interesting book, as both kids only wanted to read this one. :) 

 

Day 119

 

How can I not post this sweet picture from Mrs D?! I love how it highlights her two bottom teeth.

So sad we didn't get pictures at dinner with our friends. Reese was asked to be flower girl. I think she's pretty excited, but I'm REALLY excited!!!

Day 120

 

This is Reese reminding me that there is ALWAYS room for puffs!

Day 121

 

Merit closed on a HUGE acquisition and held a HH at Blue Mesa. I'll take getting out early to celebrate any day!

 

 

I had to refrain from eating too much at the HH as I had a date night with Husbandy while Reese was with my dad and Cindy. Little did I know I was going to be ordering 4lbs of pasta! Needless to say I had leftovers for a few meals.

 

Day 122

 

Happy 5 years!!! Husbandy and I celebrated while Mimi watched Reese with a dinner at Ocean Prime. It was absolutely delicious, we would definitely love to go back! The bottom left if a picture of their peanut butter chocolate pie - we had to get it since we were missing Reese - and it was soooo gooood!

Day 123

 

Finally got my haircut! I'd been wanting to do it for a long time, but never found the time. I am ready for summer now. :)

 



A Year in Photos: Week 14

Day 89

Daddy was helping Reese "walk" at TND. Reese had too much fun watching her cousin Brooklyn run around in circles. They are too cute.

 Day 90

Just hanging outside in the gorgeous weather. I love how exponentially better my pictures of Reese from daycare are now that Donna can take the kids outside. Reese loooooves it out there! 

Day 91

Haha. This is a really boring pic, but it's the only one I took this day. A friend was looking for a chair to take bluebonnet pictures in and I said I might have one that would work. Turns out it's a little big for a 4 month old.

Day 92

Still trying to convince Reese to crawl. We learned she definitely is our baby as she's motivated by food. Here she is reaching for her puff.

Day 93

Just a short walk to the Fry's for dinner!

Day 94

Hehe another sweet picture of Reese at daycare.

Day 95

We threw a surprise 60th birthday party for our mom on Saturday night. Everyone had a chance to write a note on a chalk board and take a picture throughout the night. Here's all the ones her children made it in. :) We love you mom!!

A Year in Photos Week 4

Day 19

Husbandy, Reese, and I took a trip to Babies R Us for a few things we needed, but more importantly, for some friends of ours that are having TWINS in April. We had to capture this moment as it was Reese's first time to sit in a shopping cart.

Day 20

Reesearoo did not have her best night. This is her in the morning when she needed to get up to get ready to go to Donna's. Not gonna lie, I'll always love a good nap on my shoulder. Even if it does make me late for work and then I catch the elevator with the President and CFO of our company who were returning from what was probably their second Starbucks run of the morning.

Day 21

Husbandy and I are officially certified to teach the sympto-thermal method of NFP! It's been a long time coming, but on Tuesday night we sat in our mentor couple's class to see how things are done. They've been teaching with the Couples to Couples League (CCL) for 38 years, so they know a thing or two. 

Speaking of NFP I read some pretty stellar blogs over the subject the other day. One was about how NFP helped this girl in other ways than what most people think is the only use for it. Another one was a husband's perspective on NFP. Here's a post about what NPF is not (probably my favorite). Annnnd here's a really great Q&A about NFP. I've recently become a huge fan of this blog which is where most of these links are posted. She writes primarily about her life with 3 kids and 1 in utero in hilarious posts. She also has a really funny three year old (see Conversations with Julia) and husband (see Simon Says). Ok, seriously, that's enough links! And, no, I'm not getting paid for promoting her blog, ha.

 Day 22

We went to dinner with some friends who also had a sweet baby girl, Blakely, in June. It's been seven months, so I think is was about time. I love the bottom left picture, it looks like they are fist pounding it.

 Day 23

Nothing fun here.....I just did lots of laundry. Can you believe all this belongs to Reese?! And trust me, there's more where that came from.

 Day 24

I love leaving work on Friday with a to do list looking like this!

Day 25

We spent the day celebrating Hannah and Hudson (see day 19) at one of the best thrown baby showers I've ever been to. Everything was super cute and the food was really good. We are so excited to meet these little angel babies in April.