October 15th is infant loss awareness day, so what better day than today to share this story.
When the time came for Husbandy and I to start thinking about having more kids, it was really tough for me. Theoretically I wanted more kids, but I also couldn’t imagine having to split my time with Reese. I love her so so much and didn’t want to give up any time with her, nor could I imagine loving another child as much as I love her. Of course I’ve heard you’re your heart just grows and you love even more than you knew you could, but I had a hard time with it. I prayed that the Lord would open my heart and He did it through my siblings. My brother and sister are two of my biggest blessings and I cannot imagine life without them. My life would be 100% different if my parents didn’t say a selfless yes to God, and I want that for Reese. And so, my hardened heart was opened.
Husbandy and I started to really try for another baby in May. Trying to get pregnant is fun, but it’s also hard and stressful. When you’re waiting to figure out if you’re pregnant, days feel like months and months feel like years. I was so encouraged by
this website and its prayers for pregnancy. I began to pray the
Trying to Conceive prayer every day. It’s a perfect reminder of who our God is. On month number four, I could tell that something was different. Mostly, I all of a sudden wanted to go to bed very early and my basal body temperature spiked. I got really really excited, but made myself wait to take a pregnancy test until what I thought would be the day I would start another cycle. When the day came, I realized the only pregnancy test I had was expired, but I used it anyway. Positive!! Yes, yes yes! But wait, do expired pregnancy tests work? What would be more likely, a false positive, or a false negative? I didn’t really know, so I decided to keep the news to myself, buy more tests that day, and see what a second test said.
Positive! I was two for two and ready to tell Husbandy. I took Reese in her room to change, handed her the pregnancy tests, and told her to give them to daddy. It was such a happy morning. That was Thursday.
There are so many emotions with getting pregnant. Relief, joy, excitement, happiness, and fear. 40 weeks. 40 weeks I have to wait to meet my baby and 40 weeks I have to worry about his/her development. I wrestled with calling my OB because I knew he most likely wouldn’t want to see me until I was further along, but ended up doing it and made an appointment that wasn’t for another 2.5 weeks. Again, another waiting game and it felt like it was forever away. We spent a lot of time that weekend with my family and I so badly wanted to say something, but decided confirming I was pregnant with a doctor made more sense first. So I kept my mouth shut.
Unfortunately, on Monday our story took a sad turn.
Just after lunch on Monday, August 31st, when I went to the bathroom, I saw my first sign of blood and froze. I tried to tell myself that bleeding could occur during pregnancy, but of course the bad thoughts outweighed any sort of good. I immediately called the doctor and was told by a nurse that there wasn’t much they could do because I was so early. I knew in the back of my mind she was going to say that, but I wanted answers. I then called Husbandy. That morning my temperature had taken a dip, which I had already told him about, so I felt like I was delivering a second drop of bad news for the day. After discussing it with him, I also decided I needed prayer warriors. Telling your sister and mom that you’re pregnant and that you might be losing the baby all at the same time is not ideal and certainly not how I had planned to share the news. It was hard, but I needed prayer. As the day went on, the little hints of blood turned into more and more and my fears grew. I cried a lot Monday night. A lot.
Tuesday morning rolled around and I could barely open my eyes. They were too puffy from the tears, so I emailed work and told them I wouldn’t be coming in. I also called the Dr again and (thankfully) got a different nurse who told me they would squeeze me in. Husbandy met me there and away we went in to the sonogram room. The last time I was in there, I got to see my precious Reese. Heart beating, little legs kicking, a big smiling face; so it was really weird for me knowing I was there and most likely not going to see anything. Having seeing Reese for the first time at 5 weeks and 6 days, I knew what I was looking for and didn’t see anything. In such a hard situation I did find comfort in the Christian music playing in the background. How awesome is that? A song playing in the sono room reminding me of God’s grace, mercy, and love. I’m so thankful for a Christ loving OB. After the sono was over the tech typed up some notes and sent Husbandy and on to wait for Dr B. One note that stuck out was “no gestational sac at this time.” It was what I expected and what I saw, but I still had hope that the sono tech saw something different.
I was pretty much ready to hear that I had miscarried, but that wasn’t what my OB had to say. He was certain I was earlier in the pregnancy than what I was saying and didn’t think the sono would have shown anything either way. He also told Husbandy and I that 1/3 of normal pregnancies bleed and the pregnancy test I took there came back positive. Instead of ruling anything a miscarriage, he gave us a 50/50 shot and told us to come back in a week.
The rest of the week I struggled between still having hope and not feeling pregnant. I don’t mean I wasn’t experiencing morning sickness, so I didn’t feel pregnant. I mean I just felt empty, a completely different feeling from the one I had in the days prior. I knew deep down I wasn’t pregnant anymore, but I wanted so badly to be wrong. It was also easy for me to think I was never even pregnant. I never saw a heartbeat and my bleeding was much like a typical period. But then I reminded myself life begins at conception and I had three positive pregnancy tests, so I know there was life inside of me. It’s hard when you’re reminded of pain and suffering at each bathroom visit. The hardest thing for me to reconcile though was that I never knew when the actual miscarriage happened. Every time I went to the bathroom I said a prayer.
As the week went by I felt peace. There were times I thought I was ok but would then just start crying and I’m sure that’s how it will be for a while. When our second Dr’s appointment rolled around I had been bleeding for a week and knew everything the sonogram would show, and the sono tech confirmed my beliefs. I didn’t really know what to expect from my OB. He’s definitely a quirky guy and I couldn’t imagine him in a sad situation. But, he surprised me and gave me comfort in knowing I didn’t do anything wrong, but this just happens sometimes. We talked about our plan going forward which included weekly blood tests to make sure my body returned to normal and lots of waiting. Thankfully, my blood counts were normal with the first blood test I took.
Eventually the day came around that should have been my first prenatal visit, but instead I wasn’t going to see the doctor at all. It was definitely a weird feeling. I wrote an email to my family asking for prayers and the responses I got were so encouraging. They reminded me that our sweet baby is in the company of angels and raising her own little voice in praise. That our child who was conceived in love has returned to be with Love itself and that she will be interceding for her Mommy and Daddy and sister before the throne of God. WOW! That day was also the feast day of
Our Lady of Sorrows. I don’t find it ironic at all; I see it as God’s perfect timing and His love for His children. I know Mary was also interceding for me on her feast day.
I am so thankful for family and friends. I know the peace I’ve felt about this situation would not have been possible without the power of prayer. I’m so thankful that two friends, who thought we were going to have a nice girl’s dinner, listened when it quickly turned into me bursting into tears. I’m thankful they chose to listen, to pray, and to check in on me on the days that followed. I’m thankful for blogs that I read with a whole new perspective now, especially those that remind me
“His worthiness is not dependent upon the outcome of our prayer.” He is good and His goodness endures forever.”
I am also so thankful for my place of work. As I mentioned, I missed one day of work and my manager was so supportive. On Wednesday (the day after I came back) he brought me into his office and said the nicest things to me. He reassured me that I had a support system there and if I needed more time to feel free to take it. He didn’t even know what I was going through, but he had the insight to say these things to me. I wavered between telling him later what was going on. He’s a single guy and I was sure he wouldn’t want to know about this kind of thing. After some prayers, however, I decided it was best to let him know, and again his words were so great and so kind. I also have friends at work who I know are praying for Husbandy and I.
Lastly, I’m thankful for Husbandy and Reese. Even though we were going through a hard time they brought smiles and laughs every day. I’ve definitely been reminded of how much Reese is my little angel and give her hugs and kisses as much as I can.
Husbandy and I know that one day we will be able to meet our baby in Heaven. When that day comes, I want to be able to call her by name. When we found out we were pregnant, I had just finished a
novena to St Monica, and because of that we have decided to name our baby Monica.
I’ve already began to wonder what it will be like when Husbandy and I start trying again and how I’m going to handle it when I see a positive pregnancy test? I know there will be lots of joy, but also fear. I just read another blog about having faith over fear, so I hope when the time comes, I will remember those words.
Even though I didn’t get to see your heartbeat, or precious profile, I know I’ll meet you one day and know who you are, because that’s a mother’s love.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-15
There is an appointed time for everything,
and a time for every affair under the heavens.
A time to give birth, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant.
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to tear down, and a time to build.
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them;
a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces.
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away.
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to be silent, and a time to speak.
A time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war, and a time of peace.
What profit have workers from their toil?
I have seen the business that God has given to mortals to be busied about.
God has made everything appropriate to its time, but has put the timeless into their hearts so they cannot find out, from beginning to end, the work which God has done.
I recognized that there is nothing better than to rejoice and to do well during life.
Moreover, that all can eat and drink and enjoy the good of all their toil—this is a gift of God.
I recognized that whatever God does will endure forever; there is no adding to it, or taking from it. Thus has God done that he may be revered.
What is, has already been; what is to be, already is: God retrieves what has gone by.
